


To Be of Worth and Value

by AwkwardDuckProducktions



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Obi-Wan Kenobi, Being a clone sucks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Post-Rako Hardeen Arc (Star Wars: Clone Wars), Seizures, Suicidal Thoughts, but also being a jedi sucks, but consider: fuck canon, can be read as pre-relationship, just also really dumb, playing loose and fast with canon abilities with the Force, please read as pre-relationship, they're both really smart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28864677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardDuckProducktions/pseuds/AwkwardDuckProducktions
Summary: Kenobi has returned to his position with the 212th. Doesn't mean everything is okay. Especially when his second in command feels empty and hopeless.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 96





	To Be of Worth and Value

Kenobi liked Commander Cody. Two years of working side by side with him, laughing with him, sharing stories he never told anyone else with a bottle of Gold Boys' Hooch led to Kenobi finding a comfort unlike any he had ever felt in his presence.

A comfort he desperately needed to feel alive again.

They never said just how tiring coming back from the dead was. Anakin had made his reluctant peace with the mission that stole Kenobi away. Ahsoka checked in on him constantly to the point Kenobi was sure that there was a hole in his shields, weeping grief while he refused himself such luxury. And Cody, his confidant, his second half...

_Release it into the Force_ , Kenobi's master's voice chided him like he was a child about to throw a tantrum.

Kenobi wanted to. Just as he wanted to share a disgusting bottle of Gold Boys' Hooch and burn with laughter in the presence of Cody. Quinlan jokingly called his second in command the "Sunshine Commander." Cody never asked why, just played along with an eye roll and a jab of his own. But did Cody not know how bright he shone in the Force? How brilliantly warm he was? He burned like a star, beautifully and righteously. 

At least he did before Kenobi became Rako Hardeen.

But every star burns out.

_Release it into the Force_.

Cody was a void. Empty. Cold. Unfamiliar. Kenobi felt it every time they had to work together. A harsh reminder of his actions. He couldn't have denied the council's demand, not with the Chancellor's life on the line. But in his time away, the life he had grown to love, his secret sun, had become a black hole.

_Release it into the Force._

What a team they used to be. Though Obi-Wan and Cody didn't always see eye-to-eye (more eye-to-chin, to Cody's chagrin), they were... something wonderful. Something that made this war worth just a little bit if it meant bringing them together. The heartaches, the blood and deaths, it was bearable knowing that for the first time in his life, Obi-Wan was not alone. He dealt with the loss of his master alone. He raised Anakin alone. So much Obi-Wan has witnessed- forced to participate in- utterly alone. But when he was with Cody, he wasn't. There was still pain and suffering- no one leads a battalion with joy- but to know he wasn't alone anymore...

While they didn't always see eye-to-eye, Obi-Wan was absolutely fascinated by Cody's mentality. That was the wonderful thing about them, even in their disagreements they worked well together. Kenobi was taught that anger and fear lead to suffering, which gave way for the Dark Side to take root. But Cody had fears. He had anger. He has suffered as much- if not more than- as Obi-Wan. Here was a man who could be cold, heartless, gruesome as the war he was made for that chose to do good and to burn bright.

_Release it into the Force._

Cody had said his own anger was like a torch-

_Release it into the Force._

It went against everything he was taught-

_Release it into the Force, Kenobi._

"General Kenobi sir?" Boil stood a formal distance away from him. "We got confirmation. We're ready to head out at your command."

"Thank you, Boil." Kenobi forced a pleasant smile even though hearing the lieutenant being stiffly polite made him want to scream. 

_Release it into the Force._

None of that. He had a battalion to lead.

* * *

  
  


Well, he _had_ a battalion to lead. Turned out they were fine to march on ahead without him. Unstable narrow ledges, strong winds of an oncoming storm, and heavy armor didn't make for peaceful travels. Not when his commander took a misstep and ended up sliding down to Force knows where the side of the mountain. A quick assurance of a plan was tossed back over his shoulder, and Kenobi followed Cody down.

He didn't have a plan. He knew the general idea where they were headed. He had to get Cody, or at least die trying.

But neither of them did. Which as the war raged on, was becoming more and more bewildering of a statement. Cody had landed into a sap pit, nothing Kenobi couldn't handle even with the first drops of rain on his back. Pulling him out was as simple as it was tiring, by the time he had Cody in his arms, the slow drizzle had become a true honest storm. It was- _dare Kenobi say it_ \- pure luck they managed to find a cave nearby. Cody had struggled walking up to their hiding hole, armor was great against commanders with the tendency to kick droids but slightly useless against gravity. It was by sheer will of the Force that the small lamp in Cody's pocket worked still. Kenobi was "one with the Force and the Force was up his ass," as Cody would have teased.

Force, he missed Cody.

Even with Cody laying with his head on Kenobi's lap and his robe covering his eyes from the lightning outside the little cave, he missed Cody. The last thing they needed was for Cody to have a seizure right then. Though sap pits were not the most dangerous things Kenobi had encountered, they were very tasking on his strength, both in the Force and physically. And even though Cody made it clear to not do his Jedi tricks to stop a seizure, Kenobi would be willing to take the hurt on their (already strained) friendship. Maybe it was the lack of being able to meditate or the lack of being able to have the simple comfort of stroking his beard- or little gods, it might be the cold shoulders and pitying care everyone had been giving him since he had returned- but Kenobi hadn't been able to center himself in longer than he'd like to admit.

_Release it into the Force_. 

Or he would have, if Cody didn't try moving again. His thoughts fell into new familiar spirals of _he's here_ and _I'm here_ and _please end this._

That last one was his oldest spiral.

_Release it into the Force._

Cody tried moving again; his blacks clung to him. Unable to take off his clothes or the sap until they made it to the ship, it was imperative that Cody remained still so that the sap didn't harden in a way he couldn't breathe.

But he. kept. moving.

"Cody, you need to remain still." Kenobi reminded him, trying desperately to keep the edge from his voice.

His great commander sighed dejectedly.

"I'm sorry that it's me you're stuck with but I'll have to do until the storm passes." The words came out quicker than he could process them. Only in the heavy burden of the silence did Kenobi realise with horror what he just said.

"Are you alright, General Kenobi?" Cody asked from under _his_ robes.

Like they haven't spent the past _two years_ flying far beyond professionalism.

Like Cody hadn't stitched him up before.

Like Kenobi hadn't removed his armor before.

Like they hadn't traded stories of doing their best and laughing at their mistakes. 

"Are you?" Bitter venom dripped with each word as Kenobi missed his beard. "Because ever since I've gotten back, you have been this empty void and I have begun to worry that maybe my friend actually did get replaced while I was gone." The simple act of stroking it was a fail-safe way to be able to recenter his mind. But it was gone. Along with his patience. "At least with Anakin, he yelled at me."

"Do you... want me to yell?"

Kenobi could hear the genuine confusion and was so glad deep inside that there was a physical barrier between him and the rich dark eyes he trusted. "Anything." He wouldn't have been able to say this otherwise. "Just... anything." _Hurt me in return. Cut me with your words._

"I'm not going to yell at you." It was a start, more than he had in weeks. Not what he wanted, but a start. "I'm... not angry at you."

"You would be the only one." Kenobi muttered as he watched the storm rage on.

"I'm just... more shocked than anything." His admittance was a low rumble like the ground threatening to swallow Kenobi whole. "Here I thought I was the only one replaceable. Like that is what I've been told my entire life. But turns out you're just as replaceable as I am."

Well that certainly put many things into perspective-

_Release it into the Force._

Did all their men think that of themselves-

_Release it into the Force._

Was Kenobi replaced-

_Release it into the Force._

No, not this time.

"You know what? I _am_ just as replaceable as you are." Thunder roared and shook the ground, but Kenobi remained steady in this. "Because you are simply irreplaceable." Whether it be from the storm outside or the promise, Cody flinched. "I couldn't ask for a more solid rock to back up against than you, Cody. I was raised to be a peacekeeper and they have me be a general. I didn't even raise Anakin right and they made me a general! Why did they think that was a good idea?" Acidic laughter bubbled out.

"Sounds like this was a long time coming." Was all Cody had to say, but there was a hint of a familiar smile in that remark.

"Well, it is because I befriended you." Kenobi tensed at the sound of his own truth, desperate to hold himself together and not fall into millions of pieces. "You talk of your anger being a torch rather than a wildfire like I was raised to believe. I keep wanting to write it off as selfish narrow thinking, but..." Had he had his beard, Obi-Wan might have been able to stop the awful truth from spilling out. "I want to be selfish." He whispered softly. "I want to say my pain is my own and let no one else feel the-" _Abandonment from his master. The smoke and poison of the trenches. The loss of his master. The unexplained nervousness when the Chancellor first took interest in Anakin. The loss of his secret sun. The hopelessness of it all. "_ -suffering I have been through. No one should have to suffer as we have and I wished I could be angry enough to believe I didn't deserve it either." If he had his beard, Obi-Wan would have to deal with the uncomfortable feeling of tears being caught in the hairs. "It is so easy to just say everything is the will of the Force, but you..." _There's no reason you should suffer as you do. There's no reason why you should care for me. There's no reason for you to return my love. There's no reason for any of this, but I love you. I love you. I love you. I want to be selfish enough to love you._ "You're a good man to be selfish for." Obi-Wan could only whisper it. Rebellions were ignited by whispers, more so than by negotiations. Saying that much burned Obi-wan inside out. More purifying than any fountain. More true than text. What peace is there to keep when someone like Cody was made for war?

"Obi-Wan, I-" If he had his beard, he wouldn't have been in this mess. 

"-I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." And he hastily brushed away the silly tears, straightened his back, and fell into the role of General Kenobi again. "I will keep watch if you would like to get some rest."

"Obi-Wan-" But General Kenobi didn't know what to do when the Force prickled with worry and electricity. That was Obi-Wan who knew. That was Obi-Wan who was a child the first time he went to war who knew.

"- _Kriff_ , I'm sorry." It was Obi-Wan who should have known better. "I can-"

"-Don't." Cody whispered as he blindly reached out, which when Obi-Wan caught his hand, he squeezed. Senses-blinding electricity prickled the Force around them, but still he held Cody's hand. Obi-Wan knew better than to try to send comfort, the only relief he could be for Cody was not betraying his trust. Still, it hurt to watch Cody succumb to his unyielding seizure.

He was as useless as he was back in his first war. That was why Obi-Wan developed his technique. Better it was him that suffered, he believed- continued to believe. Selflessness to the point of destruction.

Was it so wrong he wanted to be whatever Cody saw in him? That maybe he didn't deserve the things that haunted him?

* * *

When morning came, Obi-Wan helped Cody to the ship. It was easy to pass off the dazed confusion as the effects of sap poisoning. That was still the life he lived, one where survival needed careful lies and misdirection. Cody did make the desperate attempt to hold onto his hand, which Kenobi laughed off and gently chided his commander for.

The cute pout Cody gave him as he was carted off was nearly enough to-

 _Release it into the Force_.

General Kenobi stole a sigh, and released it into the Force. 

It helped, burying himself into formworks. He started with the commander's pile first, his own had a more lax deadline.

It was his fault Cody had a-

_Release it into the Force._

The door to his office slid open, revealing a prideful yet anxious commander.

"Come in, Commander Cody." Kenobi waved him in. "What is it that I can help you with?"

"It's... about what you said." Cody walked inside, closing the door behind him. A little bit of privacy, not too dissimilar from their cave.

 _Oh._ "I'm sorry I went off like that. I should have focused on meditating and making sure you didn't have a seizure."

"It wasn't a bad one." Not as bad as a few Obi-Wan had witnessed, true. But still...

"I know, I still worry." He offered a smile, but he was sure Cody could see straight through it. "But you seem to be recovering fine enough."

"What did you mean by 'I wish I could be angry?'" Abrupt and perfectly him. Obi-Wan was familiar with Cody's terribly effective method of helping. He could feel a piece in his broken heart be welded back when the same dedication and- _force he would never let himself say it allowed_ \- love was aimed at him.

"Oh, that was- that was nothing." Obi-Wan couldn't help but to deflect. Just as he couldn't help but to cringe when his lie was met with the unimpressed gaze.

"Doesn't sound like nothing."

"It was just the stress of the situation with my exhaustion. Nothing to worry about."

"I won't push, just..." Cody shuffled in place. He wanted to correct himself. To lay his worries, his nightmares, his life at those nervous feet. But Obi-Wan remained silent. He had yet to trust himself, knowing full well he trusted in Cody. "I'm here and you're here. If anyone can get through this..." _it would be us._ Famous last words best left unspoken.

"Thank you, Cody Dear." And when Cody smiled, Obi-Wan felt the star again.

**Author's Note:**

> If this gets enough kudos, I will write pt. 2.
> 
> Why do you want part 2?
> 
> To summarize-  
> Cody: Is "a good man to be selfish for" a love confession?  
> Wolffe: Cody, you dense motherfucker- *proceeds to bully him for the rest of the night*
> 
> (Truthfully, it's probably gonna happen eventually)


End file.
